Ladies and gentlemen, meet Noah, He Who Is All That Is Toddler.
There’s a new law going into effect in Pennsylvania on August 12th that will require all children under the age of two to be in rear-facing car seats. The wonderful people at Good Morning, Philadelphia decided to help their viewers out by airing a live demonstration of proper car seat use using the son of one of their producers, a 23-month-old named Noah. What they got was the most fantastic dose of reality ever seen on television.
The hosts tossed it to Mike, a co-host, who was there to take us through what is many parents’ daily nightmare — getting a toddler who does not want to be in a carseat into a carseat — with Noah, his mom, Tori, Gina, an expert from Children’s Hospital, and a minivan that was about to get its ass whooped.
But Noah, the King of Flailing and Lord of No, was not into it. No, Noah looked into our hearts and said, “Today, parents, you will not see a maddeningly well-behaved child who you suspect must be drugged, quietly and happily allow his mother to strap him into a car seat. No, my friends, for I am Everyone’s Toddler, and I shall represent accordingly.”
Often, these how-to segments involve a docile and pleasant child who is just happy to be there and ready to do whatever mom asks. They allow their parents to put them into snowsuits without having to bribe them with ice cream. They sit in the grocery store cart without flinging themselves to the ground headfirst. They don’t vomit while showing off the latest in strollers. And they never ever poop in the bathtub during one of those “how to keep your kid safe at bath time” clips. That leaves moms in the real world feeling like these segments are very helpful apart from the extra hour, change of clothes, and tears of rage that will be involved when they actually do these things with their children.
But thanks to Noah, moms everywhere got to have a good laugh and a reminder that they are not alone.
Here are some of our favorite moments:
“Hi Noah! Do you want to hold [the mic]? Ok, fine.”
“He’s tearing the car apart. Is this part of the law right here?”
“Now, should he be upside-down like he is now?”
“What’s going on there, Tori?” “I don’t know! I’m losing it!”
“Now he’s driving. Would you recommend that, Gina?”
“So if he’s going to drive at 23-months, he should be facing forward?”
Watch. Enjoy. And praise Noah, the only truth in a world of lies.